


What If

by burakkukarasu



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, TW Suicide mention, Takes Place In 2021, Tragedy, Written in 2017, reupload, tw alcohol abuse, tw drug abuse, tw self harm mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 18:16:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20728643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burakkukarasu/pseuds/burakkukarasu
Summary: Four years after the disbandment of ONE OK ROCK, Toru visits the former vocalist of his band after having cut ties with him ever since. Encountering a broken person that barely resembles the energetic and joyful man he used to know anymore, he gradually realises that some things can never be fixed again.





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> Reupload 2019, please read.
> 
> As some of you may have noticed, this is technically not a new work of mine, but the revised (!!) reupload of a fanfic that I wrote in 2017. I took the story down earlier this year in order to figure out certain things about the characters and the setting that were brought to my attention and that I, at that time, did not have the time to take care of. I am aware of the topics featured in this work being very difficult to write about, and I am aware of the very thin border that seperates the involvement of them in a tragic love story and them being romanticised for the sake of satisfaction. Needless to say that when writing, the latter was not my intention at all.
> 
> In this regard I would like to point out, since I was told that certain characters show manipulative behaviour, that these characters are mentally ill and therefore show those certain patterns of what would be considered "problematic". I have experienced manipulative behaviour caused through mental illness myself and I have seen how much a person can change because of it, so rest assured that what is written in this work is not something I blindly made up just to have an interesting plot but something that I experienced first-hand and wanted to use in a story that treats these things with honesty. That being said, of course the very behaviour itself varies from person to person, and only because someone is mentally ill they do not necessarily have to show manipulative behaviour at all. Also, my experiences are not universal. Just to make this clear.
> 
> Without spoiling the story too much, I would like to say beforehand that not everything will be resolved completely. As mentioned previously, the characters are not to be expected to make the most rational decisions due to their mental state and other factors, so please don't complain to me about open plot points because I am aware of them.
> 
> Finally, this story is rated mature for a reason. Please read the trigger warnings I tagged this fanfic with as well as my author's notes with caution. If you are in any way sensitive to any of these things I would advise you not to proceed reading.
> 
> This work has not been beta-ed by a native, therefore I apologise for possible grammar errors.

It smelled like mould as Toru stepped through the door, using a key he thought he’d never take out of the drawer that he had placed it in years ago after having dumbfoundedly considered its shiny surface for several minutes, maybe hours. The memory of the moment was blurry, unclear, he'd erased most of it from his mind, but he could still remember how he had felt sitting on his bed with his eyes red and puffy and his fingers shaking.

It had been one of the hardest decisions he had ever had to make and it was almost ironic that not using the key had, in fact, in the end locked away all those long passed days.

He had received the white envelope on a Wednesday four years ago. Toru remembered picking it up from the floor, no sender being mentioned on the white paper, not even a stamp in the top corner. Just his name messily written across the object in a handwriting Toru couldn’t bear looking at for longer than five seconds. There had only been the silver key inside with a white post-it attached to it. An address had been written on it in the same sloppy handwriting, the few symbols immediately burning themselves into Toru’s memory like hot iron on leather, although he had known he would have no usage for the piece of information anyway. Below the address, only one single word had been standing against the light background in its dark ink. The character’s lines crooked as though the person writing them had been shaking.

_“Please .”_

Four years ago on a Wednesday, the weather had been sunny, the woman on the news channel had been wearing a blue jacket and Toru had not managed to have breakfast in the morning because he had overslept.

He could still remember all those details, every ever so small thing that had occured on the day he had received the plain envelope on which only his name had been displayed.

Because four years ago on a Wednesday had been the last time he had heard anything from Taka.

Toru hissed under his breath as he hit something with his foot after carefully having entered the unfamiliar apartment and was glad he had decided not to take his shoes off due to various indefinable outlines of objects lying spread in the hallway that, despite the dimmed lights, one was still able to vaguely make out. He definitely did not want to step into those. Toru fought against the urge to hold his nose as immediate reaction to the almost unbearable smell that he knew was already crawling into his clothes and would cling to its very fibres until he threw it into the laundry as soon as he got home.

The former guitarist hadn’t expected to ever see the man again after how ugly everything had ended back then, much less on biased grounds, so standing right there in the midst of wherever the address had lead him was a situation Toru had never dared to give much thought to, much less consider something to ever happen. His shoulders tensed.

  
The blinds in the living room were closed shut; merely a narrow ray of sunshine found its way through the slit between the thick fabrics and illuminated the room just barely, exposing the dust dancing in mid-air before eventually falling on a figure that limply lay on the sofa, no blanket covering their skinny body. The person’s arm was hanging off the furniture and touched the carpet, unbothered. Toru took his eyes off the sofa and for a while roamed the room. He noticed pizza cartons scattered on the floor, some of them empty, some of them not. Instant noodle packages added up to the mess in the room, too many for him to count, stacked over one another, and from what Toru could see there were bottles everywhere. He was well aware of them all most likely having contained heavy alcohol at some point. The room that Toru would not even dare calling a living room anymore smelled badly, the mix of sweat and greasy take-out food making him breathe through his mouth as he stepped closer.

He had not met up with him again after ONE OK ROCK’s disbandment, had not even properly talked to him anymore, not on the phone or through text messages and much less in person until the contact eventually completely ended. Only through their common acquaintances he had later learned about his condition, had known about it for a while now, but none of the news that he occasionally had gotten to hear on nights out or when he had met up for lunch had made him take out the letter from where he had tried to forget about it four years ago and finally drive up to the address he had been given.

None of them.

“Taka?” he asked carefully as though approaching a scared animal.

Toru felt his foot step into something soft and tried not to focus too much on the unfamiliar texture or else he feared he might throw up. He was still unsure whether having come here had been the right decision to begin with, he had nothing to do with the other man’s life anymore, and showing up after such a long time would definitely have its consequences. However, standing right there in front of the man he had thought would only remain a mere memory made him realise that he was already past a point of return. Even the name had tasted foreign on his tongue, the syllables twisting it in a way that had become distant to Toru ever since he had erased every moment from his memory where they had fallen from his lips, and stopped saying the name out loud altogether.

Or at least he had tried to.

The person on the sofa did not move or acknowledge Toru’s presence otherwise, and it was too dark in the room for him to say with certainty that they were even breathing.

“Takahiro?” he asked again, the taste of the full name making him feel even more conflicted as if it was an insult that Toru knew he wasn’t allowed to say but couldn’t refrain from using in order to test his boundaries. He flinched and hoped the darkness had swallowed the slight movement of his body when a voice answered him after a long pause, completely unexpectedly.

“Don’t you dare take my name into your mouth, Toru.”

Toru stood there in silence, processing what he had just heard. The words in itself and with how much hate and despite they had been directed at him hadn’t even surprised him, he had not come here with the expectation of Taka giving him a warm hug and calling it a day. It would be beyond naïve to think that something like that was ever likely to happen between them, and Toru knew better than to give in to unrealistic fantasies. The outright antipathy was not what startled him, but how the voice itself sounded. It made him hold his breath.

The voice that had called him out lacked strength and sounded raw as though it had been overused. Toru had grown familiar with how Taka sounded like right after waking up, but this wasn’t it, this was different, and if it had not been for all the years that he had spent around the man, he couldn’t even have guaranteed that he had correctly identified who was talking to him from the shadows. He swallowed hard.

“I thought you were sleeping,” Toru eventually said, his voice coming out weaker than expected, and kept his eyes on Taka, attentively waiting for the tiniest of movement from the person who he could barely believe was the man he had at some point shared everything with. However, the petite figure didn’t change its position in the slightest.

“I don’t think I have slept in days. I wish I could though. Just close my eyes and forget...but what do you care.”

This man sounded nothing like Taka anymore, and Toru felt that any person who had spent less time with the man than he had would not be able to make out any accordances at all. Even he himself, after having spent the majority of his life by Taka’s side, found it hard to wrap his head around the fact that this actually was his former vocalist talking to him. This was miles away from the voice that had once filled arenas and stadiums everywhere in Japan.

“But maybe I’m only dreaming right now, there’s no way_ Toru Yamashita_ would come visit me in my cave after all this time, right?” Taka sounded so far away, as if only his body was present while his mind went places that Toru did not know of. He tore his gaze away.

“I’m opening the curtains,” Toru announced, determined not to pay any more attention to Taka’s slurred words. It wasn’t as if he’d been oblivious to how often the man had tried to reach out to him after their breakup, quite the opposite actually, but with every step that Taka had taken towards him, Toru had taken two in the opposite direction and he wondered if he was going to be held accountable for his actions right there.

The fabrics felt heavy and dusty in Toru’s hands as he pushed them apart, revealing dirty glass that evidently had not been cleaned in weeks, maybe months, and behind which lay a quarter of Tokyo that he would never have gone to voluntarily. Toru did not waste a second to open the window, let some fresh summer air into the room that he eagerly inhaled. The circulation outside was not much better thanks to the highway nearby and the garbage bags on the street that no one had yet bothered picking up but Toru still preferred it over the musty smell of Taka’s apartment.

Toru froze as he turned around again, now able to take in the actual extent of the mess. He had already seen most of the objects’ outlines before but realising just how many things had been hidden in the shadows too made him wide his eyes in shock.

There were the empty food containers of course, also unfinished slices of pizza and other fast food leftovers lying in their respective boxes on the floor, and Toru did not dare to think about for how long they had been sitting there already, ignored. The boxes mainly covered the area around the sofa and Toru assumed this was most likely where Taka spent the majority of his time, or where he ate at least (though he had not dared to peak into the kitchen yet). He noticed that nails had once been hammered into the naked wall, the frames that originally hung on them now scattered on the ground, their broken glass reaching the middle of the dirty red carpet that Toru remembered buying what felt like a decade ago, and he was glad he had not accidentally stepped into the shreds on his way in. He had a vague idea who those pictures showed but was too startled to check, let alone ask.

In front of the brown leather sofa stood a small glass table that was at least equally dirty as the window had been. Countless bottles of cheap liquor that Toru had never heard of were lined on top of it, most of them empty or containing only a little bit of beverage anymore, soon finding their way to the floor where older, dustier, bottles lay, their existence long forgotten. An overfilled ashtray was positioned between them, the buds already falling off its edges. Toru remembered Taka to take a smoke with him occasionally but the amount of cigarettes in front of his very eyes in that moment was certainly more than twice as much as what he had allowed himself to give the man throughout the last years of their career. And he feared this was only the collection of a few days.

What caught Toru’s attention besides the immense amount of smoked cigarettes were the syringes that lay in between the mess on the table on a silver plate in a pool of brown powder, definitely not serving any medical purposes.

“Ah, I guess I’m not dreaming after all. In my dreams you don’t look so shocked.”

“What the fuck is this mess?” Toru asked, completely ignoring Taka’s comment as he watched the man finally sit up on the sofa that once had its place in their own apartment a long time ago. He cringed at how present every crease and scar in the dark leather still was in his memories, so much that he could probably have sketched them out. So much time had gone by as they had sat on it, doing nothing but enjoy each other’s company. Letting those past days resurface now felt bizarre, as though he imagined the life of someone else and not his own.

Toru’s eyes widened, and this time he did not care about the other noticing, as he caught sight of Taka who was finally entirely exposed to the daylight. The man in front of him was only a mere shadow of who he used to be, far away from the mental image Toru had carried in his memories for years. Long, unkempt curls fell into Taka’s face, almost covering half of it but still unable to hide the dark circles underneath the eyes that seemed so dull and lifeless, it pressed the air out of his lungs. Taka had always had a rather petite figure, ever since Toru could remember, but never before had he seen his cheekbones stand out underneath pale skin to this extent and shadows sculpturing his face so sharply. Taka was wearing a grey pullover that to Toru’s relief seemed somewhat clean, but he feared that if the other was to take if off, every ever so small bone would be visible to the world. He remembered Taka being extremely insecure about his physical appearance, therefore preferring oversized clothes most of the time, however, looking at Taka, it was pretty obvious that everything the man put on would count as oversized then.

“Why do you care?”

Pushing a few strands from his forehead, Taka revealed a bony wrist where his sleeve tucked up a little before turning to Toru, considering his appearance without hiding it. Toru could imagine what he was thinking; it had been years since their last encounter, and after the band’s disbandment one of the first things Toru had done was to delete his Instagram account as well as every other social media he had used at that time to let go of it altogether. Apart from whatever their acquaintances must have told Taka, the other did not have the slightest idea of what the younger had been doing in his life anymore once they had parted ways, let alone what he even looked like anymore. Everything had kind of fallen apart after the end of the band.

Although the decay of their relationship had already started a long time before.

Examining Toru’s appearance from head to toe, the first thing Taka noticed to be different was the short black hair that would now replace the blonde bangs in his imagination. He wondered long had it been since Toru had last worn that look in his presence. 10 years or even longer, he assumed. It suited him, of course it did, Toru made everything suit him. Taka noticed how it made him look older, more serious, to which a pair of glasses that he was not familiar with added up. It seemed like Toru had stopped using contacts now that they didn’t have to visually present themselves anymore.

Taking in the further details, Taka realised the rings in Toru’s ears to be missing, having been replaced by black studs somewhere in the past, and as if it was to compensate their loss there was something shiny on Toru’s left ring finger now.

Taka felt his stomach twitch.

“Who’s the lucky one?”

Not understanding what Taka was referring to at first, Toru only dumbfoundedly blinked a few times in confusion before following the other’s eyes to eventually land on the jewelry that adorned his hand. He actually found himself to be rather surprised that Taka actually asked about it, after all Toru had expected the man to only ask about the reason for his visit before eventually throwing him out again, if necessary even without an answer. This being on the friendlier side of scenarios that Toru was prepared for.

“A woman I met a few months after our disbandment. We got married last year.”

The room fell quiet for a while. It were probably only a few seconds that they spent in silence but with the noticeable tension that the last sentence had left hanging in the air, Taka and Toru both had the impression of wordlessly staring at each other for several minutes. There remained so many unspoken things between them, things neither of them dared to say.

“Is it too late to congratulate yet?”

“You don’t have to, Ta-”

“Well then, congratulations on finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Great to see that at least one of us has accomplished that.” Toru knew Taka had interrupted him because he had been about to say his name again despite the man’s previous warning not to do so. The former guitarist guessed he deserved at least that much.

“With that aside, why are you here, Toru,” Taka said before shifting his body into a proper sitting position, looking at Toru through anticipating eyes that did not bother to hide their resentment. “What the fuck are you doing in my apartment after years of not giving a shit about me?”

Toru swallowed but wasn’t able to break their eye contact. He had thought this would be easier, not a walk in the park of course, but definitely easier than at what frequency his heart was beating right then as he stood in the midst of Taka’s living room, dirt and garbage all around him. He had not expected to face a man that was this wrecked and broken. He had not been prepared for the possibility of having to face emotions he had locked away so long ago.

“I’m moving. Leaving Tokyo. I wanted to tell you personally.”

Taka did not respond, only stared at Toru with a blank expression, making it impossible for the other to tell whether he even cared about this information. So much had happened, so much had changed, and so much had fallen apart. Toru couldn’t stop himself from considering Taka and his thin body over and over that looked more fragile than he could ever remember seeing it. Taka only wore briefs on the lower half of his body, and although his legs had always looked thin, especially in those black skinny jeans he had always loved to wear, Toru only noticed then how scrawny they really seemed to be. With their pale colour being a heavy contrast to the dark brown of the sofa, he only realised then and there how much weight Taka must have actually lost.

“You came all the way just to tell me that?” Taka asked and patiently waited for Toru to answer him, which however did not happen due the man’s throat suddenly feeling as if someone was choking him. He tried again, “Toru, you came here after four years of not answering a single one of my calls or texts or anything else just to tell me you’d be moving away?” The man’s face darkened but he still did not take his eyes off Toru.

“Get lost, Toru. Leave my apartment. Now,” Taka hissed but did not make an attempt at getting up, only glared at Toru through hateful eyes as if that was enough to shoo the man away.

“I’m not done yet, Ta-”

“Toru, leave my fucking apartment, I don’t wanna hear your bullshit! You come here after all this time, tell me you’d gotten married and that you’d be moving away as if nothing’s ever happened! You haven’t changed at all, get out!”

Taka’s voice broke several times as it rose towards the end, the steadiness it once possessed long gone. Toru felt the wind blow through his hair that no longer covered his ears and shivered, less because of the temperature but more because of the chilling way that Taka looked at him. He had known about his condition, at least partly, but not even in his wildest dreams had he expected to find his former vocalist looking the way he did.

“Taka, you need help, hate me or not, but you need to see someone, look at you, look at your apartment!”

Toru had only wanted to tell Taka he'd be gone soon, nothing more and nothing less, but no matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn't be able to ignore the alarming circumstances his former vocalist was living under now that he stood in front of him and saw to which extend Taka had lost himself with his very own eyes. Toru had heard from Ryota and Tomoya how badly Taka was coping with everything, that he'd fallen into depressions and had isolated himself from the outside world as a result, yet Toru hadn't made any attempts to help him, only excused himself from checking on the man that he had completely cut ties with. What would it have changed anyway, after all the harm that had already been done. The only thing he was actually good at was running away.

“I don't need you to pity me, not anymore! Don't you have any shame? Running away and leaving me alone, then coming back as if nothing's ever happened and offering your help? You fucking bastard only ever cared about yourself, get lost!”

Finally, Taka got up from his sitting position, finally Toru saw the man move around. Taka’s legs looked so weak, as if they weren't actually made to support the small body and Toru honestly wouldn't be surprised if they were to give in sooner or later. He just blankly stared at Taka, unable to say anything. The former vocalist was right with everything he said, all of it had been Toru's fault and for years he had been avoiding to deal with that very fact.

But he wouldn’t turn away from this. “What's happened to you? Don't you see you need help?!”

It hadn't been Toru’s intention to raise his voice, especially not in consideration of how bad Taka's condition actually seemed to be, yet he feared that he might not get through to the man otherwise, and perhaps he was also overwhelmed with the whole situation that he had not seen coming in the way it was presented to him right then. Taka's steps towards him were uncoordinated, as if his perception was clouded, and Toru didn't even dodge the bottle that the other man grabbed before hitting his shoulder with it. It would leave a bruise but the contact barely hurt, there was almost no strength left inside the other.

“What's happened to me?! You actually have the fucking guts to ask that?” Taka screamed and threw the empty bottle against the wall in frustration where it broke into tiny shards upon hitting the ground.

“I loved you, Toru! I fucking loved you with everything I had and you fucking left me! That's what happened, that's what made me the way I am now! Because unlike you, I actually cared about us!”

Toru stood frozen to the spot, unable to form words. He had been running away from this encounter for so long, too scared of being confronted with the mistakes he’d made in the past. He had known that Taka suffered, he had known about his depressions but he had still not done anything, too scared of facing the bitter reality he had caused with his actions.

“Who do you think you are, Toru Yamashita! I called you, I sent you messages, I fucking fought for you, for us, but you did not care, you did nothing!”

Taka’s hands pressed against his chest when he started to push Toru away. His fingers were thin, he noticed, and the physical contact sent shivers down Toru’s spine now that he was so close to the man again after years of only seeing his face in photographs or in memories. In his imagination, Taka was still the always laughing and vibrant vocalist he’d fallen in love with so deeply, the man he’d wanted to have by his side forever. But reality presented a different picture, one in which Taka looked much older and so exhausted, barely resembling the person he had fallen for anymore. Knowing that this was still the same man he had held close to his chest so many times, the man he’d cried and laughed with and the man he had woken up next to for years of his life, it all felt off.

“You already left me, so why did you decide to come back? We both know you’ll leave again, of course you will, you’re married, for God’s sake! To a woman, Toru, you married a woman, are you that scared of yourself?”

The weak hands that had previously shoved against him now hit Toru’s chest, clumsily, wanting to cause any kind of damage, yet Toru felt numb to the physical attacks although he knew his rib cage would be feeling sore the next day. Taka let out years of frustration and anger, loneliness and betrayal by screaming at him and he had every right to do so. It had been Toru leaving him, not the other way around, because the younger had been too scared of what people would think of them.

Toru was still staring at Taka who had started to cry at some point during his rampage. He did not sob, made no sound of weakness, but those salty tears that covered the man’s hollow cheeks before dripping from his chin spread the truth in front of Toru without mercy.

He had never forgotten this painful expression of Taka's, and he had always been aware of the fact that his former vocalist had cried himself to sleep almost on a daily basis after their breakup.

There had been the voicemails, so endlessly many of them.

_“Please...Toru, answer your phone, just once. I beg you.”_

_"You cannot ignore me just like that, you asshole, do I not mean anything to you anymore?!”_

_"Toru...it’s two in the morning, I’m sitting on a rooftop…traffic’s busy tonight…”_

Slowly, Taka stepped back to bring some distance between them. He straightened his posture slightly. “With a wife and a perfectly intact life, who wouldn’t stop caring eventually. You’re no better than everyone else.”

Red-rimmed eyes looked up at Toru, the vibrant life he had once seen in them gone, the deep brown colour now dull and tired, merely facing the world for coordination in their everyday life. Not a single day had passed where they had not accidentally popped up in Toru’s thoughts like a broken film roll that kept replaying over and over. He could clearly remembered all the emotions their warm colour had conveyed whenever Taka looked at him, as if he meant the world to him. Honest eyes, that he never had been able to let go.

“You’re wrong,” Toru said, his voice nothing more than a whisper that cut through the silence surrounding them like a knife. “I never stopped caring.”

Taka’s eyes widened before he snapped. “Stop shitting me, Toru, you were the one running off, you were the one leaving me behind. I was ready to risk all of it, my career, my name, everything! But you weren’t...so do not fucking act as if you weren’t at fault now! Because you are!”

Taka had visible efforts to keep his voice steady after not having used it to that extent for such a long time as he took a deep breath in between his sentences in order to keep going. His fists were clenched by his sides and mentally, Toru prepared himself for a punch to his face that, however, did not come despite it being their deserved climax, he guessed. An eventual clash of two contrasts with Toru looking neat and clean, not fitting into the filthy environment at all, and Taka as though he had completely given up on himself.

“I’m not lying. I thought of you, Taka. Every day. Everyday after I woke up, I thought of you. Going to bed, I hoped I would wake up next to you the next morning and all of this was just a bad dream. I thought of you when I kissed my wife, I thought of you the day I got married, I thought of coming home to you standing in the kitchen. Wherever I went I-”

“Shut the _fuck_ up, Toru!”

The words had fallen from Toru’s lips so effortlessly after he had not dared to say them aloud for so long, locking them away in his heart instead where he had hoped nobody would ever find them. He flinched when Taka interrupted him. He had not lied, he was right there and ready to spit it all out in front of Taka because the man wasn’t the only one who had suffered and he wanted him to know that.

“Stop fucking with me! I’m so tired of your damn lies, I’m tired of listening to your bullshit! Fuck off and never come back, do me at least that one single favour!”

Taka’s words did not match the expression he wore and the way he looked at Toru. He had come to know Taka by heart, had been able to read Taka’s mood just by the exchange of one single sentence in the end, and while Taka had always been a miserable liar in general, those brown eyes had always given everything else away. Toru could see that his words had sparked hope, and it pained him deeply to see how easy it still was for him to win the man over. Even after all the pain. After everything he had made Taka go through. Those brown eyes right then begged for him to stay, pleaded for Toru not to leave again, and Toru wished he could fulfil those desires, wished he could more than anything else in the world.

Toru pulled out his phone and started to type something. Taka was about to make a bitter remark on it when he suddenly held the slim object out to him.

Toru wouldn’t back off now, not again. Soon he’d be gone, he wanted Taka to finally know everything, the whole truth.

“I thought of you everyday. I’m telling the truth. I wished to see you again, and I missed you so much. As time passed, it got harder and harder and I felt like the more days went by the bigger the already existing distance between us grew, up to a point of no overcome. I heard your voicemails, I remember them all, they’re burned so deeply into my memory. I wanted to call you back, I wanted to see you, I really did, Taka, believe me.”

Toru wasn’t crying, but his voice was definitely shaking and Taka wasn’t sure if ever in his life he had seen the younger man this distraught. He had tried to hate Toru and what he had done to him, he’d cursed the other so many times over the past years and numbed himself in order to forget him. Nothing had ever worked, nothing had ever made his feelings go away. A part of him had always waited for Toru to come back to forgive him.

“I wanted to come to this address the day I received the letter and I wanted to come to see you every time the others updated me on your condition. But I just couldn’t do it because so much was happening and I simply did not have the goddamn guts because I am nothing but a godforsaken coward. I am so sorry, Taka.”

Taka did not know what to look at, let alone what to say. A part of him wanted to believe everything Toru had said, the part that had been saved by the other back then, that had been loved and caressed by him and had gotten to know his tender side, the part that had been waiting for Toru all this time. However, the bigger part of him knew to be careful and not to trust what Toru was saying right away; the part of him that was broken and that had endured all the pain and harm he had inflicted himself with.

With a dry throat Taka first looked at Toru who silently returned his gaze with knitted eyebrows, then at his phone’s display. The light hurt Taka’s eyes that had gotten used to closed blinds. The phone showed Toru’s email account, seemingly his drafts. Taka held his breath and widened his eyes as he looked at the black characters through thick tears that blurred his vision.

“I’m sorry, Taka. I am so so sorry, I...couldn’t do it.”

The earliest mail dated back to July 2017, around three months after their disbandment. Carefully and with shaking hands, he took the phone from Toru and started reading.

_“Taka,_

_I dreamt of you today. I dreamt of coming home and almost running into you because you had fallen asleep in the hallway while you were waiting for me. We were in the house that we had thought of buying last year, before everything happened. The one with the big windows and the huge staircase, I’m sure you remember._

_Over the past months, I've desperately tried to forget you, I've tried to get over you with everything I had. I know that I have no right to miss you, I have no right to feel bad about our broken relationship. I'm sure you hate me now, and it's okay, you are allowed to do so. But you know, it is so hard to erase you from my memory because, even after having locked away everything that reminded me of us, you still regularly appear in my dreams. As if you wouldn’t want me to let go, and as if you wanted me to suffer from the loss of you. Which I do..._

_I don’t know why I am writing this. Maybe I'll make this a habit. Writing you I mean. Or writing the ghost of you that still lingers with me._

_Not having you around feels weird and wrong somehow. You and I...it’s always been us, but I fucked up. Sometimes”_

The mail ended there, not having been finished ever since, as it seemed. Taka slowly scrolled through the drafts. There were so many of them, so many _“Taka”_s, sometimes _“Dear Taka”_, now and then even _“Takahiro”_. Toru had started to call him by his given name by the second year of their relationship because, as he had said, the person he loved was the man behind the image of their band’s frontman and the man he knew nobody else would ever get to know the way he did. Taka had melted in Toru's arms whenever he had whispered those four syllables.

The usage of his given name had proven their intimacy, but in more recent ones, there was barely any _“Takahiro”_ mentioned in the mails, and Taka assumed Toru had not felt like being entitled to call him by that name anymore.

He clicked on a draft from October 2017.

_“Good evening, Taka,_

_around an hour ago my parents have called, asking what had happened between us. I hadn't told them about our breakup before because I did not want them to worry. My mom loved you so so much, you’ve always been like a son to her. Hearing her cry was literally the worst, and now I cannot stop. I know I shouldn’t be the one crying, this is my fault after all.”_

Taka bit his bottom lip in bitterness as he remembered the kindness of Toru’s parents and how wholeheartedly they had welcomed him into their family when he himself had not had one waiting for him with open arms. He had spent so many days of his life with the Yamashitas because they had given him a sense of security, and just like Toru had said, they too had looked at him as if he'd been their own child. Taka had seen the family he'd marry into in them and he'd imagined Toru’s mother to introduce him as her son-in-law to others. Those imaginary pictures had been one of the most heartwarming things he had ever thought of, and the knowledge that they would turn into reality at some point had made Taka happier than he ever thought he could be.

But perfect things were meant to break apart.

Some drafts were dated from the same day. Taka counted 19 mails from December 7th 2017 alone, the first birthday they’d spent separated from one another. Taka remembered sitting in his living room and staring at his phone as he had tried to figure out if calling Toru to congratulate him would even cause them both any good. He had not expected the man to answer his call anyway, he had not even been sure if Toru had listened to any of the voicemails he left for him so far. But his urge to reach out to the other despite them having parted ways months ago, despite Toru having treated him like shit, was always with him and probably the most pathetic thing he could think of.

_“My dear Takahiro,_

_Today I turned 29 years old. To be honest, I had actually imagined myself to be married to you before I turned 30. We talked about this so often...how our perfect marriage would be like. I remember the excitement in your eyes when you first told me that you wanted to hold our ceremony at a Hawaiian beach and how I immediately agreed to it because it was just so you. We imagined ourselves to wear matching suits, me the black one and you the white one, when the day would come to make the promise of always loving each other, in good and in bad times. We imagined ourselves to exchange rings while crying tears of happiness and how we would love each other the night after our marriage in a way we never had before because we would be husband and husband by then. We talked about travelling the world for our honeymoon, visiting places we had never heard of before. We speculated about all these things, all the time, and you looked so happy whenever we did, Taka._

_I miss you so much._

_I hope you aren’t thinking of me as I am writing this. I hope you’re doing fine, or at least better than I am. I hope you were able to move one from me, build up a new life without my toxic influence. I pray for your happiness and for your ability to laugh to always keep on living.”_

Taka’s hand covered his mouth as he tried to hold back his whimpers, and tears continuously fell from his eyes.

He could still perfectly see the both of them lie on their bed in his head as though it was his most recent memory, with him resting his head on Toru’s chest. On days like those the man would caress his lower back by stroking small circles onto Taka’s skin and he would place little pecks on Toru’s collarbone in return, smiling whenever he was told how much he was loved.

Taka saw them fantasise about their wedding, where and how they would exchange their vows. He knew that Toru had dreamt of a traditional Japanese wedding, he'd always had that cultural awareness, this certain pride of being Japanese. Taka on the other hand had wanted them to get married overseas, ever since he had fallen in love with the Hawaiian beaches.

Looking back, it was almost ironic now that the one of them who had been scared of society's judgement had preferred a marriage in a conservative country.

“When exactly did you get married?”

Taka almost choked on his own words, all the emotions stuck in his throat, but still wasn't able to tear his eyes away from the display. He'd hated Toru for the past four years, he had assumed the younger had entirely cut him out of his life, being done with him and what they were and did not care anymore. He had expected the other to be happy without him, he had expected him to be in the kind of relationship he wanted, this was Toru Yamashita after all. A gorgeous man, a person Taka had never felt like he deserved, not even during the last years of their relationship. Toru had saved him at the age of 17 and since that day there had been the fear of being left behind again accompanying him, the fear of not being enough. Taka had always hated himself for even carrying such worries, but when Toru had eventually proven him right, he had at least had a person to project all his antipathy on and forget about his own issues.

“Last year. June 6th.”

Taka scrolled through the drafts, past so many unfinished messages, and tried to accept that he would most likely never ever get to read them. He wanted to know every single word his former guitarist had directed at him, but they did not have enough time.

_“Taka,_

_This is so weird to say, especially to you, but it looks like I am getting married today. All of this feels so incredibly surreal. I don’t even know what to say because I have never even considered getting married to anyone else but you and will probably think until the very last minute that this is only a dream that I’ll soon wake up from. Until the very last minute I'll think it will be you soon coming up the stairs, holding your dad’s hand._

_I've never told you this but when I visited your family together with you a long time ago, your dad thanked me for having made you join the band and helping you find the right track. He said I was the influence he'd always wanted you to have and asked me to always look out for you. I'm sure he did not know about us, but I also feel like he wouldn't have been against us if we had ever told him. I'm sorry I could not keep my promise. Neither to him nor to you. You deserve someone who looks out for you the way your dad had asked me to, someone who would do anything for the sake of your happiness. I'm sorry I could not be that someone._

_Sometimes I ask myself how things would have tuned out if I had been brave enough but those thoughts are leading nowhere, if anything they make me feel even worse. I've been trying to forget about us to deal with the pain, forget about everything we had, everything we were, but I just can't. There are scars all over my body in those places where you once touched me. Nobody can see them but I know of their existence, and whenever I look into the mirror I am reminded of their presence on me. I’ll never be able to let go of you._

_I'm getting married today and should not be thinking of you, I should not even be writing right now, but I feel like I'll lose my sanity if I stopped talking to you like this.”_

Taka’s tears kept blurring his vision and droplets that had fallen onto the phone's screen had made certain characters unreadable, leaving room for interpretation that the man did not want himself to get offered.

He'd imagined Toru to get married so often before, but always with a taste of hate in the back of his mouth since apparently it had been so easy for the other to cut ties with him and start anew in the first place, not interested in what would happen to Taka. He had assumed Toru would forget about him at some point after all the years of separation, only mentioning him in conversations about the band he had once been a member of. But imagining him getting promised to someone while he thought of him, while he imagined Taka to stand next to him in front of their friends and families made him want to scream in frustration. They'd been ready to go there, to get married, buy their own house, found their own family and get old together. They'd been ready.

Or so Taka had thought.

One last mail. He'd read one last mail.

Scrolling to the top, Taka clicked on the draft from 18 hours ago, the most recent one.

_“Taka,_

_I'm scared of meeting you. Not because of your reaction and all the insults you are going to throw at me, I know they'll come, I'm even expecting you to kick me out of your apartment right away, so that’s not what’s worrying me. Earlier today, my wife asked why I was so nervous about our encounter and I said that it was because I did not know how much you had changed. She answered that change was a normal thing, something all of us go through and that I shouldn't be too worried because after all I had changed too. Of course, I am aware of that, I'm not looking like that 25 years old blonde rocker anymore and I'm not thinking his way anymore either. We were so naïve back then, Taka, assuming we had all the possibilities in the world._

_I've heard from Ryota and Tomoya that you’ve been suffering from depressions again since quite awhile now. They say it's pretty bad...I don't know what to expect, Taka._

_I'll visit you to tell you something important in hopes that you'll finally be free after hearing about it. I know I am a sadistic asshole for telling you personally, but I need to see you one last time. I need to see how much of what everyone says about your condition is true. Coming by or not, you'll hate me either way, so I have nothing to lose anymore. I've lost everything that's ever been dear to me four years ago.”_

“I thought of you everyday, Taka,” Toru spoke up and finally, Taka looked up from the phone again, looked at Toru whose eyes were red and puffy, now matching his own. His cheeks wetted by salty tears that had started to fall without Taka having noticed a thing. The phone slid out of Taka's hand, dropped to the floor where it stayed ignored by the two men that now stared at each other as they cried tears they had held back for such a long time.

“Everyday, Taka,” Toru continued and carefully took a step towards the other man who did not flinch, did not move a single centimetre but welcomed the familiar hand that found its way to his cheek, leaning into the warm touch that he’d had to sleep without for years and allowed himself to have now.

Toru whimpered, “And I have never ever stopped loving you.”

Taka crumbled, fell apart under the palm of Toru’s hand. He grabbed for the younger's slender fingers and held onto them as if his life depended on the little steadiness they managed to give. Taka had never forgotten how those words sounded like, coming from Toru. He'd tried to get over them, over the melody he still heard in his head of the deep baritone whispering into his ear how beautiful he was to Toru. Taka had tried to forget the moments where he had directed those three words at him, naturally without success.

When they had finished their live at Budokan in 2010 where they had taken one huge step towards their dream, Toru had said he loved him for the first time. He had been high on adrenaline and enthusiasm after having experienced what thousands of people cheering for them all at once felt like, and realising how much they would actually be able to achieve if they continued to walk on the road they had been moving on at that time. They'd tasted blood that night, all of them.

Toru had hugged Taka in the backstage area, laughing and crying at the same time, and Taka had returned that strange mixture of emotions while staring into Toru’s eyes that had sparkled in excitement and desire to reach bigger goals.

And then and there, completely ignorant of all the people around them, Toru had blurted out that he was in love with him.

Taka remembered the saying that children and drunk people always told the truth and in that moment, all sweaty and exhausted, he had decided that Toru was in fact absolutely wasted on emotions and therefore dared to believe his words. He had dared to believe that his closest friend returned the feelings that Taka would have never attempted to tell him about. That he felt just the same.

He had not regretted his decision. He had not regretted a single thing for six years.

“Why,” Taka began, feeling his legs becoming weaker and weaker, even under the little weight of his body, “why are you telling me this now, Toru, why now?”

Hating Toru was painful, it was against any kind of ideology Taka had ever followed. It felt wrong and unfair and so many nights Taka had spent lying in bed, crying his eyes out because he could not accept that he had to feel this way towards the other man now. However, hating Toru was still easier than knowing he was still in love with him because despite his best efforts, despite remembering everyday what the former band leader had done to him, Taka had not been able to get over his love for him. And it had started to kill him inside. Everyday a little more.

Gently, Toru stroked a tear that was rolling down Taka’s cheek away with his thumb. He was crying as well but could not bear seeing Taka like this, and knowing he was the reason, knowing he had always been the reason, made him want to drop to his knees and scream for forgiveness until there was no voice to scream with anymore.

He gulped. He'd wanted to unveil the truth, to come clean with Taka but it was so hard, so hard to focus when the man looked at him like that.

“Toru, why did you not come to me with this when I needed you the most?”

Taka's hand was shaking when it reached up to grab the collar of Toru’s black shirt and the man was about to bring some distance between them again but then decided to maintain his posture and simply let the tears fall from his eyes, just like they fell from Taka’s.

“Why did you have to wait four fucking years? If it hadn’t taken you so long to be honest with me, you probably would have still been able to save me from myself!”

Toru's chest felt so tight and every breath became harder to take, as though the worries’ weight that he had tried to ignore for years now rested on his ribcage, ever so present and ever so impossible to offload. Fear and sadness, but more than anything the overwhelming feeling of guilt made him want to throw up.

“If you had been honest with me years ago, Toru, I would not be this broken today!”

As soon as Taka had raised his voice it broke again, several times, as the man stumbled through the words, determined to spit out what pained him so severely. Toru bit his lip until it drew blood. Hearing Taka like this felt like a knife being stabbed right into his heart, a fatal wound that he eventually had inflicted upon himself. The man in front of him, now with both his hands buried into the fabric of Toru’s shirt to the point of it tearing apart if he was to pull any harder, looked and sounded so different from the person Toru had loved, and yet he knew this was still Takahiro Moriuchi, his first love, the man he had saved and the man that had offered him everything in return. The one single person he had never wanted to hurt but in the end had ripped apart like an unwanted invitation letter. Knowing this was still Taka, _his_ Taka, despite his looks, despite how much he had changed, made Toru painfully aware of how much the other man had still cared for him, even after having been let down in the most brutal way. The realisation was bittersweet.

Taka was screaming at him and Toru knew that if the man had been in the right physical condition then and there, he would have started to punch his face until it bled, wanting to make him experience at least some of the misery he had gone through. However, instead of smacking his cheek, the other man looked at him through eyes that still appeared to see what had made Taka initially fall for him. Toru knew he did not deserve this soft look, did not deserve the longing that he could spot in the dark pupils that saw something in him that Toru would never be able to pinpoint, because whenever he looked into the mirror he saw nothing but a disgusting coward.

“You're not broken,” he whispered helplessly, aware of the words holding no grain of truth. Maybe a part of him was still denying what had happened to Taka, maybe he had just reacted out of instinct, reciting a typical meaningless phrase similar to _'my deepest condolences’_ whenever someone had passed away.

“Are you actually serious? Toru, look around you, you already pointed out the mess. Look at me, look how wrecked I am. You fucking wrecked me, Toru, and my never ending love for you finally killed me.”

Taka stepped back and Toru contemplated whether he should follow suit or let go. He reached for Taka's arm, felt how slim the wrist actually was and how easily he could wrap his fingers around it.

“Tell me what you had to go through because of me. I wanna know how much I made you suffer. Every single detail.”

There lay so much pain in Taka’s expression, and so much fear of being rejected again because their given reality was ugly and nothing like the love-filled everyday life they once had lived anymore. Toru wanted to comfort him, convince him that he would not run away from his mistakes and that he was sincere about wanting to hear how big the scar his leaving had left actually was. He had no right to ask for this and he was in no position to receive a favour, especially not from Taka, but he needed to know.

Taka gasped when Toru stepped closer and leaned down. He held his breath when their foreheads touched and he could feel the other man’s body temperature, too overwhelmed by the intimacy he hadn't felt anything of in so long. The petite body was shaking, slowly losing all the remaining strength that still lay under Taka's skin that had also lost its tan over the years of isolation, as Toru noticed then. Taka leaned into the warmth that Toru gave off, a sensation he had never forgotten but missed everyday. He would always curl against the man in their bed, especially during the cold winter months, happily humming when Toru wrapped his arm around him for an embrace in order to keep him warm since he knew that Taka froze quite easily. Toru had warmed him whenever he was cold, not only in the physical sense.

Taka sobbed and his warm tears rolled over Toru's hands that he had carefully placed on both sides of his face, now gently stroking his jaw. So much had changed.

“Showing you everything wouldn't even come close to making you understand how much I actually suffered.”

Taka closed his eyes because suddenly it was too much to look at Toru. He still saw the man that years ago he had fallen in love with in those familiar orbs that calmly rested behind neatly cleaned lenses as though they belonged to an innocent soul that would have never dared to hurt him. The returning feeling of betrayal was like a punch in his stomach, a wake up call to remind him not to drift away into his fantasies, and he had to avert his eyes. So many times Taka had imagined in what kind of ways he'd scream at Toru and tell him how much he had ruined him and that he hated him. In his imagination he had hit the other man’s face, made his nose bleed, made him feel weak under his hateful stare. But in his imagination Toru had also not been gentle, he had not touched Taka as if he was the most precious thing Toru had ever laid his eyes on. And the most significant difference, Toru had not loved him in those fantasies.

“Takahiro, please,” Toru begged and Taka felt the younger's breath tickle against his lips that were dry and rough, the skin there coming off like rose petals after one had forgotten about watering the plant. “I want to know it all. I came here to tell you my truth, I beg you, tell me yours as well.”

Their lips were so close, only a few centimetres separating them - a distance they both knew they should not close.

“My truth,” Taka repeated and actually laughed, “it's ugly and pathetic. Nothing more. It will forever change the way you look at me and probably the way you look at yourself too. Toru, I wanted to show you what you did to me, I wanted to see you suffer just like you had made me suffer.”

Taka wanted to lean in, he wanted to lean in more than anything else in the world. Kiss Toru, finally feel that prickling sensation on his lips again. But this was not his man anymore, so he just stared into the dark irises that he knew he would still do everything for if Toru was to ask him. That's how lost on him he was.

“You are an asshole and a coward and I will never forget what you did to me,” Taka continued and carefully traced along Toru's neck, caressed the skin with the tips of his shaking fingers, “but I don't want to make you suffer anymore. You don't need to see and know it all. You have a wife now and a functional life without me being part of it, and whether your heart is hers or not, you married this woman and should be the best husband you can be to her. That's why I am asking you to leave now. Please.”

It was difficult for Toru to follow Taka’s words, to process what the man was telling him when the expression in his eyes was so pleading and lonely and had so much longing hidden in the depths of their colour. Taka’s request was sincere but his eyes gave away that his heart wished for something else, and if Toru had been a smart man he would have accepted the offer, would have said his goodbyes and then left the apartment without looking back one more time. He would never know what Taka had gone through after their breakup and would not blame himself for whatever had happened to the other for the rest of his life due to his lack of knowledge. He would be able to go home, tell his wife about their encounter and pretend everything went well.

However, Toru was not a smart man.

“No,” he simply said before slowly taking Taka's hand in his, the elder's fingers cold in his grasp. Taka already sucked in a breath, ready to stress his point again when Toru continued, “I'll leave the city soon and I don't know if we'll ever meet again. Of course I could just leave and not ask you about what happened so I'd never be confronted with my mistakes ever again, but I'm tired of running away. You're right, I may look at myself differently after learning the truth, but that's exactly what I want. I need to realise what I did to you.”

Toru bit his lip to suppress a whimper, the metallic taste still present on the thin skin. His eyes burned and he could already feel a headache approaching behind his forehead. Taka's fingers felt so fragile in his palm, and so foreign, he may freeze easily but his hands, they had never been cold.

“Whatever I do, I will never ever be able to leave you behind, Takahiro. I tried, with everything I had, but it's not working. I want to know what I have to take responsibility for, I want to know in every single detail how badly I fucked up. Because blaming myself for the rest of my life is the risk I’m willing to take if that means that I’ll be able to face my mistakes. It is what I deserve for having let go of the love of my life.”

He felt Taka tighten the grasp around his fingers after the last words.

When Taka let go of his hand, Toru's first intention was to keep him in place, not let go of the man whose presence he had missed for so long, but he refrained from taking any action when he realised what Taka was about to do. Insecure eyes locked with his, swollen and red and so anxious about what would happen next. Toru felt his breathing go faster, his hands becoming sweaty. Slowly, Taka pulled up the grey pullover that he'd been wearing ever since Toru had entered his apartment, pulled it over his head and finally exposed his entire body, now standing in front of Toru in nothing more but his underwear. The fabric fell to the ground and Toru widened his eyes, his mouth suddenly bone-dry. The room fell silent as the two men stood still and only stared at each other.

It wasn’t as if his skinny appearance had not already given it away or that Toru had not already guessed that Taka had lost a lot of weight over the years, however, seeing that it was actually true was much more of a shock than a cause of satisfaction for his right assumption, especially since Toru had not expected a sight like the one being displayed in front of him right there. The former vocalist had always had rather present collarbones, they had formed a pretty V right below his neck, but now, additionally to that, one could easily see every single rib as they pressed against his skin from underneath, mercilessly exposing his lean built. Taka's hip bones stuck out due to all the weight he had lost, the black briefs barely staying in place. Toru still remembered the baby fat he'd once had there that had made all those tight fitting jeans look so good on Taka's legs. Now he feared that even the slim fit would look loose on the man’s legs.

Examining the other further, Toru noticed that Taka had lost the muscles on his arms as well. Back then he and Toru had used to regularly hit the gym together to shape their bodies. Strengthening themselves for their energetic performances had been their original intention but they had soon found out that building up muscles for visual reasons, particularly for each other, had been a much bigger motivation. They had followed their workout routine for a few years, eventually resulting in nicely shaped arms and chests, especially on Toru, although the changes on Taka's body had been noticeable too. However, of all those modifications Toru could not see anything anymore. Taka’s arms now were lanky and seemed unproportionally long hanging next to his bony upper body and thin thighs. His edgy shoulders were ever so present, the bones throwing shadows onto the light skin.

And yet, despite all the alarming changes he'd already made out in the appearance of Taka, Toru only felt as if his knees would actually give in any second when his eyes caught sight of Taka’s left arm that dangled next to his body as if the man didn’t know what else to do with it. Toru pressed a hand on his mouth to suppress a shocked gasp. There were scars on Taka’s arm, most of them already healed, having left behind light lines that stood out against his skin as the wounds had closed again. Toru remembered the darkness Taka had moved in when he had first met him, a time where the elder had been unable to see the light and had been without any hopes and ambitions, and Toru remembered Taka to have those tendencies, however never acting upon them.

“Taka…,” he began, without even knowing what to say.

There stood Takahiro Moriuchi in front of him; a former national superstar, an idol young people had once looked up to, a brother, a son, a friend. The person that had once been his fiancé. The once energetic artist was now skinny, lined through pain, dull eyed and with scars on his arm their backstory Toru did not dare to imagine. His throat felt tight as he just stood there, staring at the man who had erstwhile been his ray of sunshine.

Now broken.

“This is what you did to me, Toru. After you left...I tried to reach out to you, so many times, only to get rejected again and again. It felt like you stabbed my chest. And every unanswered call was another cut into my flesh,” Taka began, tracing along the scars on his left arm that he knew Toru couldn’t tear his gaze away from, they were simply too present.

“I stayed in our apartment for a few months after our breakup, in hopes of you returning to me. Do you know how tremendously huge an apartment that you lived in with someone else for years feels like when that someone leaves? It did not even feel like my home anymore. I sat there on the floor day in day out, staring at the apartment door, praying you’d open it.

“It was during that time that I started losing my sense for reality. You somehow forget about all kinds of things when you are in pain, you know. And I was. I cried so much, forgot to eat, neglected my body hygiene, eventually missed the deadlines for my bills.”

Someone screamed on the street, interrupting the tense silence that ruled in Taka’s living room, and Toru flinched at the unforeseen noise, fearing that even the sound of his own breathing might break the very thin layer of glass he and Taka were standing on.

“After a few months or something I got thrown out of our apartment and had to leave the place that I had hoped so sincerely you would return to one day. The situation had stressed me out because in case you came back I knew you wouldn’t find me anymore. I had already started drinking at that point. You know how happy and giggly I had always become whenever I had a few shots? Well, I had hoped for the same effect, to have my mind distracted, but of course it did not work. Quite the opposite actually since I fell back into depressions.”

Depressions never really ended, Toru had learned over the years of living with Taka. They were always there, lingering in the dark. Although Taka had silenced his demons after he’d joined the band in his teenage years, Toru had also experienced days where the man had not been able to find the motivation to do anything. They had been rare and he could probably count them only using his fingers, but they existed.

“Taka, I…,” Toru tried to say something, anything, but could not come up with the right words. Again. His expression must have spoken of helplessness because Taka averted his eyes and considered the broken frames that lay on the floor behind him instead.

“I took things with me. That’s how desperate I was. Mostly pictures of us. I hung them up and looked at them, remembered how happy we were. You probably think that I had lost my sanity, and to be honest, I don’t even think you’re mistaken about that, but having something, no matter what it was, of us with me made me get up in the morning, it was the little hope that was still left inside me. The grey pullover is yours too, the only thing you left behind when you moved out. I’m sorry for wearing it, you can take it with you again if you want.”

Taken aback, Toru looked at the bundle of grey fabric that had found its way next to Taka’s feet. He did not remember the garment, forgotten in their apartment by accident, but he did remember Taka wearing his clothes whenever he could. He had said they gave him a sense of comfort since having Toru’s smell around him had apparently always managed to calm him down, even when the other man was not personally around. And although Toru was sure that pullover had stopped to smell like him a long time ago, Taka was still wearing it. Because after all, it was the only thing that he still had from him.

He was torn away from his thinking when Taka’s weak voice continued.

“Alcohol did not make me happy but it helped numbing my body for a while so I continued drinking until one day some guy offered me something else in a dark alley. Funny right? The frontman that always wore those cool expensive tank tops with things about drugs being written on them falling into addiction. If that ain’t ironic.”

Taka’s mouth was curled into a smile but tears still fell from his eyes. He did not look happy at all, the mix of emotions resembling a grimace that screamed for help instead, and Toru wanted to help so badly after having missed all the opportunities to do so for years. He hated himself, and with every word that left Taka’s mouth he despised his wrongdoings more and more.

“What did you take,” he managed to whisper, his voice shaking, his hands tensing and relaxing continuously. Taka met his gaze and went silent for a few seconds.

“Everything,” he eventually answered and only from the corner of his eye Toru noticed how Taka rubbed the scars on his arm. “Everything I got my hands on. I smoked weed and all the other cheap shit you get for only little money. I don’t even know what exactly I bought, I was just glad I had something I could numb my body with, but whatever it was...it eventually ruined my voice.”

Taka sobbed, rubbed his eyes, and Toru wished he had the courage to move forward and pull him into a hug. It’s what he had wanted to do ever since he’d first seen what a miserable condition Taka was in, but he was too scared of crossing that line. Still.

“After losing you I managed to lose the only other thing that had been dear to me. So here I am, a singer that cannot even sing anymore.” The twisted smile on Taka’s face grew wider, showing in what a desperate state of mind the other really was. He looked so pained, having been broken by loneliness, and Toru could only imagine what anguish the other must have gone through without having anyone around for comfort.

“When I realised that smoking all that shit was no good I asked around for alternatives. I was just so lost, I did not know what I was doing, but I guess that’s what addiction does to you. Being high had turned into normality, I felt like I would not make it through the day without having a jolt.”

“A jolt,” Toru repeated without a second thought. His eyes widened when Taka turned his arm so he could see the inside. Countless tiny scars created a pattern on the skin, some of them healed, others seemed relatively fresh judged by their red outlines. Most of them centered in the crook of his arm.

“Is that-”

“Yeah.”

They remained silent and Toru just stared at Taka as all the pieces fell into place. He’d seen the syringes lie around, he had known they had no medical purpose but he had hoped that whatever the other injected into his veins was something less dangerous. He knew what drugs like that did to people, he’d seen documentaries, he’d heard stories, but someone he knew falling for it..._Taka_ falling for it... It felt unreal, like a joke, a reality he vehemently tried to shake off. So he just stared, unable to do something else, barely able to process all the information Taka was offering him.

“Shit’s expensive and I cannot always afford it but it definitely does its job in distracting me from you.”

“How could nobody...I mean…,” Toru stammered and was ashamed of himself for not being able to properly speak. He had spoken so confidently about wanting to know about all that had happened to Taka after he left but now he could merely form a sentence with his mouth feeling dry and his chest as if it was about to explode. All confidence he had previously radiated suddenly seemed to be gone.

“They knew, of course they did. Ryota and Tomoya tried their best, really. They took care of me, visited me and checked how I was doing. They did grocery shopping for me when I was unable to leave the apartment, and even somehow managed to feed me when all I wanted was to die from starvation.” The man shook his head, perhaps at himself. “They did their best, really, but you know, getting some pills from a psychiatrist does not really do much when you have no motivation to get better. I flushed them down the toilet the same day.”

Helplessly, Taka rubbed the tears from his cheeks only to have new droplets fall from his eyes the next second. So many memories were suddenly resurfacing that made him deal with forgotten emotions after such a long time of feeling numb, Toru saw how the pain literally shook the man’s entire body.

“Did you ever do something?” The warm summer rain that had started to pour down stayed unnoticed by the two men as it filled the silence that lay on the room like a veil.

Taka considered Toru for a few long seconds before he slowly turned to the side, taking small steps with his thin legs, until Toru saw his arm, all the tattoos Taka had gotten throughout the years of their band touring the world. There was the triangle with the all-seeing eye inside of it, the brain, the question mark, the feather, the two teeth, the LOVE and HATE hands, all the symbols Toru had been allowed to touch and caress so often. However, where the TTR tattoo had once been now adorned a big scar Taka’s arm, the scarred skin completely covering the first T of the once iconic tattoo.

“On some days I would miss you less, then I would be able to take a shower and wash my clothes, sometimes even leave the apartment. On others the yearning of my heart would hardly be bearable, then I would not even get out of bed or collapse on the sofa as soon as I tried to do something. Usually I would drink extraordinarily much on those days to make the pain in my chest go away but on that particular day even that wasn’t enough, so I tried to get high enough to finally forget why I was crying.”

Carefully, Taka circled the scar with his thumb.

“Drugs do things to you, you become unpredictable and lose control, sometimes they keep you awake for days. I had expected my sadness to fade and be replaced by hallucinations or something that would distract me from you, but instead it turned into anger and then, when I saw myself in the mirror, I felt such a despite towards you being inked into my skin that I suddenly wanted to erase it all. I don’t remember what I used, the memory is blurry, but they told me it had been a knife. I hit some important vein, and because I did not feel any pain at all due to the intoxication I could not control the knife and how badly I was hurting myself. I just wanted the tattoo to be gone. Your leaving was nothing I had control over but my body was still mine, and only if I wanted you to stay perpetuated on my skin you were allowed to. At least that’s what I thought. So I kept cutting.” They looked at each other for a moment before Taka continued.

“Toru, I hated you so much, so endlessly much, for years. I did not even call the ambulance when I finally realised that I had fucked up, I just did not care anymore. Maybe it was the drugs’ fault, maybe yours, maybe my own lacking will. I was just lying on the floor, slowly passing out and not caring about what would happen to me. Saving a man who had already lost everything is pointless. Ryota and Tomoya found me just in time to get me to a hospital, if they had not decided to drop by I would not be standing here now. So yes, I almost killed myself once, but it had not been planned.”

When Taka whined into the silence as those dark memories flooded his mind again, Toru finally let go of his fears, let go of the doubt that had kept him in place before, and urged forward.

Taka felt so vulnerable in his arms as the petite body kept shaking relentlessly and his broken voice sobbed into the fabric of Toru’s shirt. Tears wetted the man’s cheeks when he slowly leaned down and buried his nose in the thick curls of the man he had once devoted himself to - the man he had lost his heart to almost 20 years ago. Taka still smelled like himself, a scent that reminded Toru of their long lost home, a fragrance he had almost forgotten over the years of their separation. The tickling sensation on his cheeks was all too familiar, and he would have laughed at it if the situation had been different. He would have told Taka how much he meant to him, that he loved him, and that everything was going to be okay. But he couldn’t. He was in no position to do that anymore.

Toru quietly sobbed into the mess of hair when Taka slowly wrapped his thin arms around him, reciprocating the intimacy the other man was offering him. Toru felt his fingers claw into his shirt where they pulled on the garment as Taka cried against his shoulder while pressing his face firmly into him. Taka’s tears were warm, his breath hot. Toru pressed him against his figure, did not dare to let go, did not dare to loosen his grip on the elder in the slightest because he was scared he’d fall apart as soon as he let go - again.

“Don’t,” Toru started, squinting his eyes because the tears did not stop, “don’t ever do that again.” His voice was nothing more than a whisper, a silent plea for the preservation of an existence he had long lost. An existence that did not know where to go anymore because of him. He had ruined this soul, he had broken this person. And he knew there was nothing he could do about it anymore.

Taka looked up at Toru, cried for the world to see into the otherwise silent room that was only occasionally filled by the sound of a thunder. The red carpet was likely to be wet by now, they had not closed the window.

“Why, Toru? Give me one single reason why I should not end it. Why should I not leave this world? Back then you were the one who gave me something to believe in and in return I gave you everything I had, and now I cannot get over you, I never will, do you understand?”

Carefully, Toru leaned his forehead against Taka’s, considered those dark eyes for a few long seconds and watched the tears fall from the man’s long eyelashes.

“Because I love you,” he said, unintentionally pulling Taka closer, “because I still love you so much.”

“You were the one leaving.”

“I know.”

“You were the one butting out of everything when shit was getting serious, Toru, you were the one scared of everyone’s reaction upon finding out you were with a man.” Taka pressed closer into Toru, his body acting completely against what his mind was telling him and reminding him of. Whatever he did, whatever he tried, Toru had been his first love and he would be his last, a counterpart he would always and forever feel drawn to.

“First you broke us, then we broke the band.”

ONE OK ROCK had not worked anymore after their breakup. They had been completely out of synch, and Taka had barely been able to stand Toru’s presence during their rehearsals and planning for their next album that had in the end never made its release.

“There’s nothing for me to accomplish anymore, Toru. I lost you, I lost the band, and finally I lost my voice.”

Toru did not think when his hand cupped Taka’s cheek, his thumb carefully stroking away the trickle of water.

“I have no right to ask you to do anything anymore, I know. I know it’s been my fault, I know everything’s been my fault but I don’t know what to do, Takahiro. I cannot make up for the past, although it is the only thing I wish for and the only thing that would actually be able to help you - help us. Wherever I go, I see you. Whatever I do, I think of you. I wake up wanting to be with you and I go to bed with the same thought. I fucked it up, Takahiro, I fucked it up all the way. I am so sorry, I don't even deserve to be here. I wanted to tell you to move on but in reality I myself have not even moved a single centimetre.”

“Stay.”

Toru opened his eyes after he had closed them somewhere during his speech that had been interrupted by sobs from both him and Taka. He felt the former vocalist pull on his shirt again when he moved closer, their noses touching, their lips only a few centimetres apart.

They’d lose it.

“Stay here with me, Toru. We’re not the naïve little boys from back then anymore, we know how the world works and how cruel reality can be, we still have a chance, our love still has a chance. I’ll get out of this pit with you by my side, I did it once, I will succeed again, I promise. Just come back to me, please.”

Toru was too taken aback by Taka’s words, his mouth opened but the words were stuck in his throat.

“You do not love your wife, you do not have to move away with her. Why should we both live lives we do not wish for when we could have each other? Things may not be easy, but they have never been anyway, so it doesn’t matter. Just, Toru, I need you...because I love you...so please stay.”

Taka crumbled in his arms, finally losing the last straw of composure he had been holding onto, when his knees gave in and he sank to the floor, together with Toru who wouldn’t let go of the other man. The rain felt too loud, the thunder like earthquakes. Toru could barely stand the pain in his chest, the noose that lay around his neck with him being his own hangman was ever too noticeable. He choked on his sobs, cried in desperation and grabbed a handful of Taka’s curls that still felt so soft and silky in his grasp.

“I want to do that. Leave everything behind and come back to you. Catch up on all the years we have lost and get married, the way we have always imagined our ceremony to be. Because...because I too...I still love you from the bottom of my heart.”

Toru still owned the ring he had bought for his proposal at that time. He had not dared to give it away, it was like a lucky charm that reminded him of Takahiro Moriuchi, who he knew he would never be as close to as he once had been ever again. Because he was a coward, and nothing more.

“Will you come back to me then?” Taka clung onto Toru as if his life depended on the man’s presence and with horror did Toru realise that in a way it probably did.

Being with Taka was everything Toru had ever wanted. He’d fallen in love with the shy boy standing on that shabby stage back then on the spot, had done everything he could to get him into his band, and eventually into his life. His confession had been an accident but never a regret. The same night Taka had asked him to go out with him, try dating and Toru had been the happiest man in the world when he had agreed to that suggestion, kissing the other’s soft lips for the first time in their hotel room right after. At the age of 21 Taka had been his first time with a man and at the age of 27 his last. They had wanted to get married, had planned to leave Japan and buy a house in LA where they would be able to go out without having to hide from judging eyes. They had talked about adopting children, founding their own family. They had been invincible as long as they had each other’s back.

However, one day Toru’s back had given in.

“I can’t,” Toru whispered. The two words, so hard to speak out, so determining in their meaning, were almost completely drowned by a thunder, “I can’t,” he repeated.

A car honked in the distance and a man shouted words they both did not bother pay attention to.

“Because I have a daughter.”

Everything fell silent at that moment. The sound of rain stopped and no thunder seemed to dare interrupting them. No people on the street were shouting anymore and no trains could be heard from the station nearby. The city fell silent and nature did not disturb them either. It was as if time had halted for them then and there, lost its function and was merely a word, a description for something abstract that was essentially incomprehensible.

Realisation glimmered in Taka’s eyes for a split second, like a candle that finally burned out, before they went dull again, focused on anything but Toru. The two men just silently held each other as one of them slowly came to understand the meaning that lay behind the words he'd heard just seconds ago. Taka breathed calmly and Toru knew, though the other man had not asked for it, he deserved an explanation.

“I met my wife a few months after matters with the band ended and over time we became very close friends. She's a great person, really, funny and good at heart and she never wanted anything but the best for me. Unlike me, her feelings are honest, and although I had been aware of that I did not reject her at that time.”

Toru's voice was shaking as he spoke, and only with much hesitance did he start to stroke Taka's cheek, ignored the tears that he would not be able to stop anyway. Taka listened, did not interrupt him, did not even make a sound. The world fell into pieces in front of him.

“We were reckless and it just happened. A few weeks later she told me I had gotten her pregnant and after a long discussion we decided to get married. This may sound rushed and honestly, it totally was, but you don't have many options when someone is pregnant with your baby. I would never have proposed to her otherwise, there were no romantic feelings on my part. I knew that she loved me though, and I did not want to see my child grow up without her dad, so marrying had been the smartest thing to do. I had thought about coming back to you, Taka, I had wanted to beg for a second chance because every day without you was mere torture, but leaving my child behind because of something that I had fucked up years ago was nothing I had been able to do. I have seen how much a person can suffer from a broken family.”

Toru shuddered slightly when Taka let go of his shirt and placed a hand on the one that he was stroking the man’s cheek with. There was no way the former vocalist had not caught the reference to himself and his turbulent past.

“How old is she?” Taka asked and Toru sucked in a breath, not having expected a straightforward question like that.

“Turning 1 in September,” he answered and saw Taka smile, genuinely smile, for the first time since he had come here. That heartwarming smile that he had fallen in love with, that he had been greeted with so many times after waking up in the morning, and that smile that had always been on Taka’s lips when he had confirmed his love for him.

“How wonderful,” he said, tenderly stroking the back of Toru's hand with his thumb. “I'm happy for you, seriously. I know how much you've always wanted to have your own family. I'm sure you are a great father.” Taka was honest, his words upright sincere and the fact that he could still be genuinely happy for him, despite everything he had done, broke Toru's heart.

“I am so sorry.”

“Somewhere in my heart I had always worried that we wouldn’t last, you know. You always dreamt of having children, your own children, but I could not give you that. I was always either exhaustingly outgoing or reserved and quiet for days and you always had to adapt to my respective mood and impulsiveness despite being such a calm person yourself who I always felt like deserved an equally stable partner. Maybe we would have worked out in the long run, maybe we would have messed it up in the end, we won't find out anymore. I'm problematic, Toru, maybe it's better like this.”

Toru closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths. Taka's mood had entirely shifted, there was no longer anger lying in his expression anymore, only composure and acceptance. For years he must have known that a reunion of them was close to impossible but had still clung onto that tiny gleam of hope. Toru knew this was leading nowhere, but his own desperation kept pushing him.

“How can this be better? I'll be leaving, we might never see each other again,” he said, sobbed when Taka cupped his face with his hands. “I had come here to tell you that I'd be moving away, so you could finally tear away from me, we both could. I had avoided contact for so long because what was I supposed to say? I have a daughter, I couldn’t come back to you just like that. Me just randomly dropping by would have completely broken us, and now look at me, sitting here with you on the floor after having done exactly that. I'll be gone, there's no way I can stay here in this city where everything reminds me of you, but I still needed to see you again, I'm selfish and an asshole. You were right, I haven’t changed at all, I'm so sorry.”

Taka felt so familiar, his skin so soft under Toru’s touches and he never wanted to let go of it ever again. Their final separation was inevitable and coming closer and closer, and the realisation started to take a toll on him. Although Toru had known this would come, the last thing he wanted to do was to leave Taka behind. Again. He had imagined this meeting to be different, he had imagined insults and maybe one minute of time for him to explain himself before they would part again, taking all their unspoken secrets with them. Them holding each other upon learning the truth as though preventing themselves from falling apart wasn’t what he had expected, this wasn’t what he wanted to let go of.

“We were not meant to be, that's all. The world has always been against us, shouldn't we be used to it by now?” Taka was still crying but the tears fell from his lashes ever so quietly. He looked beautiful in his very own way like this. But then again Taka always looked beautiful. Even now.

“Don't let go of your love for me, Toru, there is so much of it inside your heart, don't waste it on someone that will not receive it anymore.” Gently, Taka stroked Toru's chest where his heart was located, beating heavily behind his ribcage. “Give all that love to your daughter and raise her to be the happiest girl there is. Make room in your heart for her and let go of me. Promise me, Toru.”

Taka smiled, honest and bright. Tears falling, voice breaking, but with a smile on his beautiful lips. Toru hesitated for a second but eventually nodded before taking Taka's hand in his and holding it up, gently placing a careful kiss on its back.

“I promise you. She will be the happiest girl in the world and become a just and joyful person, just like her uncle Takahiro.” Toru returned Taka's smile. He would have to let go of the person that meant everything to him but he would not let go of his stories, of who he was. His daughter would grow up learning about Takahiro as someone who had never given up and had always fought back, no matter how dark the times he had gone through had been. She would grow up learning this man had always managed to encourage everyone and revive their hopes. How he had been the most loyal and kindest person Toru had ever known. And ever loved.

“Uncle Takahiro sounds wonderful,” Taka said and watched Toru place little pecks on his hand, every tiny contact setting his skin on fire. He had thought that he had become numb to affection when in reality it seemed as if he had never been more sensitive to it.

“Can I ask for one last selfish favour?” Toru looked up and considered Taka.

“Anything you want, darling,” Toru whispered and Taka laughed at the nickname. He didn't even stop smiling when he rubbed his swollen eyes before looking at Toru again. It had been so long since he’d been called that. So long, he had never thought he would ever hear it again.

Slowly, Taka took off the man’s pair of glasses before he set them aside on the floor, examining Toru through thick curls that needed to be cut. One day. Maybe.

“Let me pretend it's you. The you from back then. Short hair, no glasses, but with this crazy determination to have me in his band, okay?” Carefully, he let his fingers ghost along Toru's jawline, could feel unter his fingertips where the other man had not shaved properly enough that morning.

“Let me pretend it's us from back then. When everything was still alright. When we were still alright. One last time, yes?” Toru couldn't form any words, his voice was stuck in his throat, and Taka showing him all this affection now made him feel almost dizzy. He just looked at the man, unable to do anything else, looked into those beautiful dark brown eyes he would never forget, no matter what happened to him from now on. They belonged to a broken person, a person who had deserved the world but who the world had loaded nothing but pain onto.

Toru was overwhelmed by emotions when Taka leaned in. His lips felt no different from the last time they had kissed, they still gave in without effort, warm and soft and so perfect against his own. Toru closed his eyes and decided to forget about the world around them when he wrapped his arm around Taka's waist, stroked through dark curls that he had always loved to play with with the other hand.

They should not be doing this, they both knew it. It would do nothing but harm in the end because they had to break away at some point, finally let go and never look back. Yet Toru leaned into the kiss, recognised Taka's fragrance that engulfed him like a sweet lullaby, small hands that caressed his cheeks and of course those lips that moved against his as if not a single day had gone by since their last contact.

The kiss was sweet and innocent, an exchange of love and affection they would never be able to share again, they both knew at least that much.

“I love you,” Toru whispered, immediately catching the other pair again.

He knew that as soon as he'd sit in his car he would bawl his eyes out, hit the steering wheel, finally realising what had happened and that he would never see Taka again, and kissing him was no help to both of them, it was only one step closer to their forlornness. Yet they couldn't let go, could not let their love slip through their fingers like sand when they were sitting in front of each other. The moment would pass, this day would go by and eventually everything would have to carry on. Their lives were no exceptions.

“I love you too. And I always will. Remember that, Toru.” Taka leaned his forehead against Toru's after their kiss had ended, high on emotions.

“Tell me one last thing,” Toru asked and Taka looked up, “where did those scars come from?” Gently, the younger let his fingers wander over the uneven skin on Taka's lower arm. The healed scars like little bumps under his touches. Taka kissed him again. A quick peck, nothing more.

“' A man may fall many times, but he won't be a failure until he says that someone pushed him ’,” he quoted the tattoo that had once adorned his arm where now all the scars formed a grotesque pattern, “I told myself you pushed me and was ashamed of myself. I felt like I did not deserve wearing this anymore, so I injured myself in order to destroy the tattoo, that's all.”

Toru fluttered his eyes shut and carefully placed his hand on the abused skin, his own body warmth like a bandage that uselessly tried to cover up long sealed wounds along the dark letters that were still mostly visible. He was responsible for this, he was responsible for everything Taka had gone through and no matter what he did, he would not be able to make up for it. Their time was almost up.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“I'm just thinking, what if things had been different? What if we had never met, would we both be happy with someone else today? Or still look for each other? What if you had been brave enough back then and we had gotten married? What if your wife had not gotten pregnant, would you have come back then?” Slowly, Taka let go of him, placed his glasses back on Toru's nose and rose from the floor.

It had stopped raining. The carpet was wet, just as predicted.

“Will we meet again?” Toru asked when he followed suit, stood up and noticed how much taller and broader he actually was compared to Taka, especially now that Taka had lost so much weight and appeared downright tiny next to him. He had always been bigger in size but had almost forgotten their actual difference over the years. Taka sobbed as he shook his head. Long curls flying and Toru realised this was the last time he'd see this very scenario.

“No, we won't. Don't contact me, I don't want to be reminded of what could have been anymore. Let me be selfish for once,” Taka said and approached Toru again. “Let your daughter know about me, please. And that although we never met I loved her from the bottom of my heart and that I wanted her to become a strong and independent woman.” Toru nodded, sighed when Taka cupped his face one more time.

“Thank you for coming, Toru, seriously. We may have no future but we have a wonderful and exciting past to look back on. You saved me when no one else had faith in me, you gave me hope and something to believe in, and the years with ONE OK ROCK were the best years of my life and I will always, always cherish them and hold them close to my heart.”

Their goodbye was approaching at an alarming pace and Toru wasn't ready, but then again, he'd never be.

“Thank you for loving me,” Taka continued and Toru pressed a hand on his mouth to swallow another wave of tears, “you showed me so many things that I had not been aware of before and I will never forget the things you did for me. You will not be remembered as someone who ran off but rather as someone who was brave enough to come back. Thank you for having faith in me and thank you for those years that I had been allowed to spend by your side.”

Their time was up, there was no going back anymore. For years Toru had lived by the thought of there being a tomorrow, a potential day where he could call Taka, message him. Now there was no tomorrow anymore, this was their last day. Their last kiss. Their final goodbye.

When Taka asked Toru for the key he had sent him years ago, he returned it without questioning him. In return he received the grey pullover that Taka would not wear anymore. Toru would not come to this apartment anymore. He would not see the person living here anymore. He had missed his chance, maybe they both had. Taka had mentioned once that he had read about the existence of alternative universes and Toru wondered why he remembered this now as he held the other man in his arms for the last time, crying into Taka’s hair. Maybe in another universe, a different world, they were happy together. He wished for this from the bottom of his heart.

“Promise me you will get better and won't do anything stupid, Takahiro,” he begged, placing Taka's warm hand between his. One last kiss was placed on the white knuckles as he stood on the threshold. Soon gone, never to be coming back again. The man only smiled and leaned up to kiss him one last time, merely touching the outer corner of his lips. So lightly it was barely noticeable.

“I'm not making promises I cannot keep, you know that.” Toru's eyes widened but he couldn't form an answer because he knew Taka was right.

“Thank you for everything, Toru.”

One last time, Toru let his hand brush through those thick strands, knowing he would not do so ever again.

“Be happy and successful, and raise your daughter well.”

Not anymore.

“And don’t ever forget about me.”

Because their time was finally up.


End file.
